Sadness of 2015

There is a lot going on in my head. So I apologize if this seems jumbled, but I’ll do my best. This year I turn 30. I don’t feel like I’m that old. I honestly never knew that 2015 would happen. It’s always seemed so far off. Like it was a year for the movies and not reality. I was married in 2005 so this year I’ll have been married ten years as well. It’s been a very adventurous ten years. During this time we’ve lived in Los Angeles for five years and spent many days at Disneyland. It’s my happy place. We’ve moved all of our belongings both ways in just our cars. Slept on air mattresses and collected lots of free furniture. Finally we’re starting to buy some of our own things that we like. Also during that time we’ve tried to start a family. It’s been about 9 years now, but with no such luck.

Most days I’m grateful for my sleep and control over my own body. Plus I don’t have to touch anyone else’s poop. However, never in my life did I think I’d reach 30 childless. I guess I knew there was a possibility that a woman might not be able to conceive, but I never thought it would happen to me. Not that something happened, but really is just part of my existence. We don’t know why. I’ve had some initial testing done and everything is fine. Same with my dear husband. As I like to say, “His good swimmers have clear lanes to swim in.” Yet, it’s not working. Our next step would be to go to a fertility specialist, but that’s expensive and a bit invasive as a woman. We’ll get there eventually, but I’m going to try getting more fit in the mean time.

I remember thinking as a teenage girl how grateful I was for my periods. Seriously, with the cramps, mess and all I would pray in gratitude for my periods because it meant to me that one day I would be able to have children. So seriously, that is probably the greatest irony of my life. If I’d only known then. Even with all of the trials and heart aches my husband and I have both always felt like we’d be able to have our own children, which is why we don’t pursue other options at this time. Plus it’s all expensive. It’s hard having this gut instinct that it will happen for us but without any idea as to when.

Often we’ve prayed and both received the same answer, “Soon.” We’ve come to realize that “Soon” means very different things to God and to us. It’s totally fine. We trust that He knows us and will bless us when the time is right. However, it’s not that time yet. So, while we prepare our lives and wait I get sad. My heart breaks and I sink in depression a few times a year. This happens to be one of those times. I’m not always depressed, but mostly I’m sad. Especially in quiet moments when I’m left with my thoughts. In time I will be fine again and relieved at the thought of being able to sleep in and not be covered in barf. One day though, that is all I want.