Telling It Like It Is

I often worry that I'm offending everyone with my inability to censor what comes out of my mouth. Sometimes it is completely involuntary (literally some of the things I say surprise me because I didn't know I was going to say them) and other times I just say it because I mean it. I don't consider myself a mean person, but I know what I want and need, so I'll do what is necessary to get it. Basically, I am just honest; I say what I think and feel at all times.

This character trait/flaw/quirk has caused me great anguish over the years. It's hard for me because so many people don't like me because of it or they think that I'm mean. My heart is pure though and I really do have so much love for others. People have often seen the harsh side of who I am, rather than getting to know the loving person that I can be. In high school I even tried to change who I was so that I could fit in better with my own friends. That lasted only a couple weeks before I just got too exhausted and didn't like who I was. No matter how much I've tried to be "better" or change this "flaw" it won't go away. It is who I am at the core. I don't intend to hurt others, but it happens and I'm very good at apologizing now.

Although, one thing about being older now is that I don't have to apologize for who I am. I have found this ability to be beneficial and stress-reducing. I don't need to lie to people to make them happy. People know what to expect from me. I am honest with people when I'm upset about something. I don't hold grudges because I deal with problems promptly.

I have found that a lot of people go through life suffering from poor relationships because they can't just be honest with those in their lives. They choose to be fake and "never" angry with other people. As harsh as it may seem to just be honest at all times, it really can bless your life by empowering you to make the changes necessary in your relationships.

What do you think?

What's going on?

First, thank you to everyone who wrote me encouraging notes after my last post. It made me feel really good. Now, onto, "What is going on in my life?"

Well, that is a tricky question. For right now, it's pretty much the usual. I'm working part time while Eric finishes up his classes for this semester. It's hectic, but normal. However, May is going to be a whole new bucket of fun. The first two and a half weeks Eric is producing a movie that will be in production. So, he'll be on set everyday and I have the pleasure of being there with him. I'll be there because I am now in charge of all the food on set. I will still be working my regular job (9am-2pm Monday-Thursday) and then heading to set to keep things running smoothly. I will have assistants who can be there to make sure things are set out and looking pretty. However, I have to do all sorts of stuff ahead of time. I will be buying groceries for craft services (snacks, fruit, veggies, drinks, etc.) and ordering all the meals. It will be fun, but incredibly chaotic.

After that is done, life could just get a little bit crazier. We'll be packing up to move out of our apartment. Our last day here is May 31st. So, we'll have about 2 weeks to pack everything and clean like crazy. That should be enough time, but I've never packed a whole apartment by myself and I don't think that Eric has either. It's going to be a whole lot of fun and we'll see how it all goes. At this point though, you're probably asking, "So, where are they moving?" That is a "premium" question, as Alex in Everything is Illuminated would say. The truth is, we have no idea where we're moving. A lot of it depends on where Eric gets work. It's possible we could be in Los Angeles, CA in June or we might just move somewhere nearby. We're hoping to know by the middle of May, but anything is possible.

There are so many possibilities and Eric has so much potential that there are a million different paths that we could go down. We just don't know which one it is yet. It makes me nervous a lot, but at the same time I have faith that it will work out. Being married to a filmmaker has definitely increased my patience and my faith. The Lord has always blessed us and not forgotten us. Times may be difficult in the future, but never impossible.

Making Friends

I've discovered recently that I'm not very good (in fact, I'm horrible) at making friends. I don't think I was always bad at it. I used to consider myself a people person and I could make lots of friends. Now though, I don't really have many friends, definitely not anyone near by that I would feel comfortable just calling or stopping by to chat with. Since we're moving in a couple months I'm not sure if it's worth trying to improve relationships here or if I should just wait and try harder once we move. Well, let's get to the root of things first.

It seems that things really started to change about the time that I got married. I have some theories as to why these things would change.
1. My environment changed to being around all married. I especially have a hard time making friends with people who have children. I'm always worried that I will call at an inconvenient time or that I have nothing to say since my life experience is so limited to theirs.
2. I don't see people nearly as much now because I'm not in school anymore and I spend a lot of time in my own apartment, unlike when I was single. When I was single I would just go over to another apartment and hang out. I didn't always need a reason to stop-by, but I feel like I do now.
3. I've become very insecure lately. I'm afraid I'm going to offend people all the time. I tend to speak without thinking. People will tell me to just think before I speak, but I promise that I can be just as surprised by what I say as anyone else is. Words have literally come out of my mouth that I never even thought about. It just makes me feel wholly inadequate to be around people in a social situation. This feeling of inadequacy makes me nervous too, so that only increases the chances for verbal diarrhea.
4. I'm afraid to call someone a friend. I always feel like I'm going to announce a new step in our relationship that the other person wasn't expecting. As though I've just proposed eternal friendship to them or something. I'm not sure at what point it's okay to call someone a friend, and not just treat them like an acquaintance.

So, now I'm asking for help in any of these areas or guidance on how to make friends now. If you have any similar experiences or words of encouragement I would appreciate it. I'm trying to find a way to make friends and deal with my issues. Any thoughts would be appreciated.