So, I realized on Sunday after I kept mentioning that this upcoming Sunday was Mother's Day what that actually meant for me. In a nut shell it means nothing to me as an infertile woman. But when you unpack that little nut shell it means so much more, but mostly unhappy feelings. I think people often misunderstand my feelings about Mother's Day, my infertility and baby-oriented events. I often don't talk about it because my pain makes others uncomfortable, so here's a look inside my tough shell.
Usually people assume that I avoid baby-showers and mother's day because I'm sad I'm not a mother or that I don't have a baby. I think this drives me the most crazy. I don't really care for it because it basically breaks all my feelings into this tiny little sad package that makes it easy for people to understand without every really having to try to empathize with my emotions or understand the pains I feel.
When I was younger I was sure I'd have an easy time getting pregnant. I figured I'd be close to done with having kids by the time I was 30. Yet now I'm 29 and still childless. I'm not just sad I don't have kids yet, I'm sad I've lost my dream and expectations. I thought I'd be a stay-at-home mother making cookies for my kids after school. I thought I'd be a young mother who had energy to keep up with my children. With each year and event I'm reminded those dreams are lost to me. One day I might have those things, but not in the way I dreamed or envisioned. The expectations for my life are now dead and I have to grieve that loss each and every time I'm reminded.
As I attend church on Mother's Day they often give a little token to the mothers, but they try to include all women so no one feels left out. Yet, that just makes me sadder because I know very well that I don't belong with them. I don't have kids to talk about or the same concerns. We're in different phases of life. It's patronizing to me to be included. Some flower, book or chocolate is not going to make me feel better about my infertility. I don't want to be left out either, especially if it's chocolate, but I also don't want to be included out of the guilt of the fertile either.
One of the things I often feel saddest about is all the doting on pregnant ladies. I always saw myself being the tired pregnant lady with a cute waddle that people want to help and give belly rubs. Again, that is not my pleasure. People often seem put out that I'm not excited to go to someone's baby shower, but honestly if we're not super close I just can't get too excited about someone else's pregnancy while it causes me such anguish. I know this is pretty selfish, but it's how I feel regardless of it's flaws.
Physically I feel like I'm broken. So many women around me are able to get pregnant, yet I am not. This isn't their doing or anything people can protect me from. As a woman and daughter of God, I'm supposed to multiple and replenish the Earth. However, that is not possible for me at this time. Every time I see a pregnant woman I realize how much my body is failing me. Even when I try to do better it still doesn't work out. To compound these issues it makes me feel like a failure as a wife. My husband also wants children and he'll be the best father, but I can't give him that. I want nothing more than to see him hold our babies and chase our children around. I feel like a huge failure and disappointment, even though he doesn't feel those things.
All in all, days like Mother's Day are just hard for me. I have no problem with mothers or pregnant women. I just don't want to be surrounded by this huge reminder of what I've lost and what I struggle to attain. I know it will happen in time and how it's supposed to, but I don't know when or how that will be. It's truly a mourning process I restart each time I'm faced with these types of things. Platitudes are not much help. What would help me the most is talking to me like a real person. I'm open about my feelings if you want to know. Please don't assume you understand how I feel.
Side note: This are very honest, rough feelings. I can't be sure this is very clear or coherent. Also, not all women feel this way. So if someone you know struggles with infertility don't be afraid to ask, but also give them room to have feelings you may not know or relate to.
Suicide
13 years ago
4 comments:
Love you. :) I can understand a tiny glimpse of how you feel. After my miscarriage a few years ago it was difficult for a while to see pregnancy announcements and babies being born when mine would have been due. That is not nearly as difficult or as a long of a struggle as you have had- but I do know it's hard. Through it all, even though it's hard, I'm glad you stay friends with your friends who do have babies. I have an old roommate who unfriended me and plenty of other people on facebook because she couldn't handle seeing pictures of their children and babies, because she is struggling with infertility as well. I really feel for her, but at the same time it was a little bit of a blow to me because I can't help that our situations are different and I was sad that she would break off a friendship (obviously not a very strong friendship) because of something she or I couldn't control. Thanks for being my friend, friend. :)
Oh Tiffany, I am so glad you wrote this! I definitely don't know exactly how you feel, but I know it must be hard. We journeyed through infertility for two years and it was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.... Much less, a good friend! Infertility is such a difficult battle. And something that everyone goes through differently. If there's one thing that I've learned from my trials with infertility and child-loss, it's that everyone's feelings are unique and literally no one, but Jesus Christ, knows exactly how you're feeling. Even Jeff, who has been there with me every step of the way, doesn't know exactly how I'm feeling. So with that being said... No one should judge, compare, or criticize anyone else for what they are going through. I love you, friend! I wish we lived closer so I could give you a big hug!
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Hi Tiffany. Your post was so real and relatable to me, I am also going through the journey of infertility. We each experience this challenge differently, but I felt moved enough to share my vulnerability with you too. I hear you, I feel for you. I know the pain and anguish that surrounds mother's day and I know what's its like to feel that your body is failing you. As a woman, I believe that nuturance we hold on to and desire to share is embeded in us. I hold my niece and nephew close, and I watch them play with my husband with overwhelming emotion. I can hear a clock ticking and my heart pounding, I truly wonder if my husband will ever have the opportunity to be promoted to dad over uncle. I am sending you thoughts and prayers my sister. And most of all a really big hug.
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