Telling It Like It Is

I often worry that I'm offending everyone with my inability to censor what comes out of my mouth. Sometimes it is completely involuntary (literally some of the things I say surprise me because I didn't know I was going to say them) and other times I just say it because I mean it. I don't consider myself a mean person, but I know what I want and need, so I'll do what is necessary to get it. Basically, I am just honest; I say what I think and feel at all times.

This character trait/flaw/quirk has caused me great anguish over the years. It's hard for me because so many people don't like me because of it or they think that I'm mean. My heart is pure though and I really do have so much love for others. People have often seen the harsh side of who I am, rather than getting to know the loving person that I can be. In high school I even tried to change who I was so that I could fit in better with my own friends. That lasted only a couple weeks before I just got too exhausted and didn't like who I was. No matter how much I've tried to be "better" or change this "flaw" it won't go away. It is who I am at the core. I don't intend to hurt others, but it happens and I'm very good at apologizing now.

Although, one thing about being older now is that I don't have to apologize for who I am. I have found this ability to be beneficial and stress-reducing. I don't need to lie to people to make them happy. People know what to expect from me. I am honest with people when I'm upset about something. I don't hold grudges because I deal with problems promptly.

I have found that a lot of people go through life suffering from poor relationships because they can't just be honest with those in their lives. They choose to be fake and "never" angry with other people. As harsh as it may seem to just be honest at all times, it really can bless your life by empowering you to make the changes necessary in your relationships.

What do you think?

What's going on?

First, thank you to everyone who wrote me encouraging notes after my last post. It made me feel really good. Now, onto, "What is going on in my life?"

Well, that is a tricky question. For right now, it's pretty much the usual. I'm working part time while Eric finishes up his classes for this semester. It's hectic, but normal. However, May is going to be a whole new bucket of fun. The first two and a half weeks Eric is producing a movie that will be in production. So, he'll be on set everyday and I have the pleasure of being there with him. I'll be there because I am now in charge of all the food on set. I will still be working my regular job (9am-2pm Monday-Thursday) and then heading to set to keep things running smoothly. I will have assistants who can be there to make sure things are set out and looking pretty. However, I have to do all sorts of stuff ahead of time. I will be buying groceries for craft services (snacks, fruit, veggies, drinks, etc.) and ordering all the meals. It will be fun, but incredibly chaotic.

After that is done, life could just get a little bit crazier. We'll be packing up to move out of our apartment. Our last day here is May 31st. So, we'll have about 2 weeks to pack everything and clean like crazy. That should be enough time, but I've never packed a whole apartment by myself and I don't think that Eric has either. It's going to be a whole lot of fun and we'll see how it all goes. At this point though, you're probably asking, "So, where are they moving?" That is a "premium" question, as Alex in Everything is Illuminated would say. The truth is, we have no idea where we're moving. A lot of it depends on where Eric gets work. It's possible we could be in Los Angeles, CA in June or we might just move somewhere nearby. We're hoping to know by the middle of May, but anything is possible.

There are so many possibilities and Eric has so much potential that there are a million different paths that we could go down. We just don't know which one it is yet. It makes me nervous a lot, but at the same time I have faith that it will work out. Being married to a filmmaker has definitely increased my patience and my faith. The Lord has always blessed us and not forgotten us. Times may be difficult in the future, but never impossible.

Making Friends

I've discovered recently that I'm not very good (in fact, I'm horrible) at making friends. I don't think I was always bad at it. I used to consider myself a people person and I could make lots of friends. Now though, I don't really have many friends, definitely not anyone near by that I would feel comfortable just calling or stopping by to chat with. Since we're moving in a couple months I'm not sure if it's worth trying to improve relationships here or if I should just wait and try harder once we move. Well, let's get to the root of things first.

It seems that things really started to change about the time that I got married. I have some theories as to why these things would change.
1. My environment changed to being around all married. I especially have a hard time making friends with people who have children. I'm always worried that I will call at an inconvenient time or that I have nothing to say since my life experience is so limited to theirs.
2. I don't see people nearly as much now because I'm not in school anymore and I spend a lot of time in my own apartment, unlike when I was single. When I was single I would just go over to another apartment and hang out. I didn't always need a reason to stop-by, but I feel like I do now.
3. I've become very insecure lately. I'm afraid I'm going to offend people all the time. I tend to speak without thinking. People will tell me to just think before I speak, but I promise that I can be just as surprised by what I say as anyone else is. Words have literally come out of my mouth that I never even thought about. It just makes me feel wholly inadequate to be around people in a social situation. This feeling of inadequacy makes me nervous too, so that only increases the chances for verbal diarrhea.
4. I'm afraid to call someone a friend. I always feel like I'm going to announce a new step in our relationship that the other person wasn't expecting. As though I've just proposed eternal friendship to them or something. I'm not sure at what point it's okay to call someone a friend, and not just treat them like an acquaintance.

So, now I'm asking for help in any of these areas or guidance on how to make friends now. If you have any similar experiences or words of encouragement I would appreciate it. I'm trying to find a way to make friends and deal with my issues. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Chaos!

Good riddance to March! This has been a completely nutty month. So many film sets and late nights. There were some good moments too, but overall just complete March Madness, but not of the basketball sort.

It is nice to have these times occasionally so that it can give us perspective about the rest of our lives. I definitely appreciate a little boredom now. I don't mind not knowing what to do for 30 minutes; it's far nicer than trying to find 30 extra minutes to get things done. I know this will happen again in a few months when my husband does another film. It's the way our life goes. Actually, he is producing another film that will be in production the first 2.5 weeks in May. So, there it goes. Another crazy month to come. I'm going to enjoy April and just try to take it easy!

Film Crew

Alright, so, I'm a little sad after this weekend. This past weekend I was helping my husband out on a film shoot for a student film that he is producing. I was in charge of all the food on set and making sure that people stayed full and happy. Also, I bought a lot of caffeinated sodas to keep them awake when we were up until 4am. I helped out the prior weekend too. Anyway, I really grew to love and appreciate the people I was with. They are hilarious and entertaining, especially after midnight. When you're with people for at least 14 hours a day for several days you really start to enjoy their company. They also celebrated my birthday with me on Friday. I made 48 cupcakes and we ate them with our pizza for dinner. They sang happy birthday to me. I really felt like part of the group and that I added something to the quality of the overall production. I'm truly going to miss them all. I'm excited for a few pick-up days and a wrap party to at least see them all again.
The saddest part for me was realizing today that they all get to see each other all the time at school, but I go off to my regular job. I like the friends and acquaintances I made, but I won't see them too often now. That is something tough about the film business; you get a short-time with everyone that you fall in love with as friends and then when it's over you split off and go back to doing your own things. I went through this last year when Eric directed a play. I still miss some of those people, but I don't think about it nearly as much.
The best part of all this is though is that I constantly get to meet new people and make new friends. I really love meeting new people and learning from them. It's so exciting and when they're famous I'll get to tell people that I knew them way back when. It's good stuff and I can't complain about the opportunity to experience what I did.

First Blog

I have just decided that I want to start a blog. I did one for a few weeks when I was a freshman in college, but it's time for a new one. I hope this is interesting to anyone who reads it. I'll write a little about my life first. I've been married for about 2.5 years now. My husband is still a student at BYU. He is studying film and will graduate this summer. We're very excited for all the potential of our future. We are hoping to move to Los Angeles in the next couple of years if not sooner. Eric wants to be a film producer and I know that he'll do it. He is incredibly talented and ambitious. My ambition is to be a good wife and eventually a good mother. We really want children, but when that happens is not in our control.

I'm just so in love with my life right now. Things are going really well, even though there is a lot of unknown in the next several months. I have a good job working at a technology company (I work in accounting). We're also constantly blessed by our loving Heavenly Father. There are little miracles everyday in our lives. We both feel that this is going to be a great year for us. So much to look forward to, so I will keep you all posted on it.

One last thing, I named this blog "Film Widow" because that is what my mother-in-law calls me when Eric is on long film shoots.