East vs. West

Growing up my mom had a lot of allergies that lead to other health issues. She’s totally fine, but through her process I learned a lot. I never use margarine or shortening when I cook because soy is just not something we ate. (Soy is what those products are made from in case you didn’t know.) As I’ve gotten older I’ve discovered my own food sensitivities. There are just certain products that I can’t do. I now avoid soy because it’s not great for me. I also do everything I can to avoid antibiotics because I’ve had two bad allergic reactions, one even put me in the hospital for four days.

So with all of this it’s safe to say I try to be careful what I put in my body. I’m not perfect with my diet but I’m working on that. When I get sick I try to use natural remedies first. I use fresh garlic to treat a yeast infection. I have made my own nasal wash to fight severe congestion. I also use regular medicines when I need to. My husband has had two colds in the past few weeks. Finally this weekend, we put him to bed with a couple of Nyquil for a couple nights and he’s finally improving and staying well.  

But I never use medicines exclusively. I like to try natural options. I do a lot of vitamins when sick. If my husband is congested I always give him a neck rub since that’s where his body holds his stress. It’s amazing how well it works. His nose is always running and he feels more relaxed when I’m done. I’ve even been known to make him swallow whole garlic when he’s been sick and he didn’t have insurance.

When we moved in 2013 we both left jobs with benefits behind. We had no insurance and terrible colds. That’s when my mom mentioned a really great product to me. The product(s) is DoTERRA essential oils. 

These are oils from plants and natural sources. I’ve dabbled here and there and recently found huge benefits. My two favorite oils are Vetiver and Whisper.

Vetiver is from the roots of a grass grown in Haiti. It smells very earthy. It is completely relaxing to me and is fantastic to help you fall asleep. The first time I was exposed to it I fell right asleep and I didn't even know it was in the  blend that I had put on. Just relaxes me. It's help with some muscle/nerve damage and is great help for sleep issues including insomnia. 

Whisper is a blend by DoTERRA. It's meant for women. It helps balance the body and smells amazing. It's one of the few products that include jasmine. I wear it as a perfume most times. I've also rubbed it on my lower abdomen to help with "lady aches". 

There are so many other amazing products that are a great compliment to everyday medications we're used to, but these won't deplete our bodies nearly as much or at all. These are going to be safer and have fewer negative interactions. I still take Tylenol for a fever, but I'll use oils right along with it. There is no need to suffer anymore. Not when we have all of these products to help us. 

If you'd like to learn more please visit my DoTERRA website to find out about products and more. Click Here!

Modesty vs. Charity

I’ve read a lot about modesty in the past year. Had some really great conversations too. There are a lot of modern day women bucking at the traditional definition of modesty. That definition describes modesty as having our bodies fully covered so as not to allow others to by tempted by our belly buttons or cleavage. Not showing more skin than is really necessary functioning. This definition hinges on the observer not the one who is actually dressing.

I remember a class in college, a Christian University, where we had to conduct a study. I don’t exactly remember why we were doing it, but one group did their study on modesty. They tallied all the girls with low cut tops and skirts just a bit to short. I immediately raised my hand in protest. (I relate most to Hermione Granger of all Harry Potter characters.) When called upon I sounded a bit over dramatic, but that’s just how it was. Essentially I said their study was biased and unfair. A flat chested girl and I could wear the same shirt and hers wouldn’t be immodest  because there would be no cleavage, but an observer may consider the same shirt on me as immodest because I have cleavage. This isn’t fair or just. I hadn’t fully formed my opinions or understanding of modesty at that point, but I knew that having boys (or girls) judge my modesty didn’t feel right.

I’ve come to the understanding and opinion that modesty is about how we feel individually. To be modest of character and person, would mean we’re likely to cover up our bodies and not use them to show-off or entice others with our bodies or use them to gain favor with others. The way we dress can and often very likely is a reflection of our modesty. I like V-neck shirts. I think they look good on me and fit me best. I do not believe this means I’m immodest. When I wore them in high school to get boys to notice me and like me that was immodest (and it didn’t work).  With this understanding of modesty it then applies to boys equally too. If they wear tight shirts or tank tops to show off their muscles then that too  is immodest. But if a girl is training for a marathon and wears short running shorts and a sports bra that is not immodest, nor is it for a guy to wear a muscle shirt to lift weights at the gym.

When I mentioned this to my husband and said that it’s not immodest for me to wear V-neck shirts because I’m not doing it to show off my chest. He said something to the effect of it not helping others have modest thoughts about me. I reminded him that’s not my problem. And thought about how we reconcile our modesty with our responsibility to those around us. That is when the light bulb moment hit. We don’t have to be dress a certain way for others nor is it then even about modesty. It is our own charity that will allow us to see how our choices impact those around us and then behave accordingly. It does not make a girl immodest to wear a sporty bikini. However, it does show a lack of charity to the boys around her if she wears a bikini out to a church beach party.

I think it behooves all of us to stop judging others. Passing judgment on others shows a lack of modesty and charity in our character. But as I thought of this I think it’s worth sharing. We’ve too narrowly defined and understood modesty. It’s time we expand and make all people responsible for their own modesty and live our lives with charity for others.

Choices vs. Consequences

I once read about a different perspective on the war Heaven. In Mormon theology it’s often shared that Satan’s plan was to dictate what we could do and take away our ability to choose so that we would remain perfect and return to our Heavenly Father. On the other side is the plan Christ offered up to allow us to come to earth to make choices for ourselves. He would be the redeemer to make up for the mistakes we’d make, but we’d learn. And if we so chose to live righteously we would end up with God in Heaven. This other perspective was about Satan’s plan. It was not to limit or constrain us from making choices, but to rid choice of consequences. Thus, our choices would have no significance. All choices would be okay therefore we’d never have chosen wrong or been sinful. I wish I could find the original article, but I’m not sure where it is, but that’s the gist of it.

As soon as I read it everything made sense. In the garden, the serpent got Eve to eat the fruit by telling her the consequence she believed was not true. They wouldn’t die but be as the Gods. (Genesis 3: 1-5) He didn’t force it down her throat, but convinced her the consequences weren’t really there and it would give her what she wanted. In the days of Sodom and Gomorrah they had fallen into those same patterns of belief. It was not that they were being forced to sin, but they had decided their desires were above consequence. And then when they tried to assault an angel of God it was the end of their ways. God destroyed them.

We can choose to believe there are no consequences, but that is not possible. Everything in life has a consequence, for better or worse. If we choose to do well in school we have the consequence of good grades. Depending on when we decide to leave on a trip we may make great time, get stuck in traffic or even end up in a horrific accident. Consequences are not ours for the choosing, they are natural.

In the US we live in a society that I see as trying to limit consequences in various ways. One big one is through legalizing abortion. Pregnancy is often a result (natural consequence) of having sex. But in the cases of unwanted/unplanned pregnancies we have decided as a people that the woman has the right to choose. She chose to get into bed and have sex, so did the father. However, we’re now deeming it possible to choose the consequence. It doesn’t work out that way. Further consequences are possible from that choice. In another example we have become very litigious as a people. We try to shift the blame around so that we are never held accountable for our actions. In one case recently a 17 year old girl is being forced by the courts to undergo chemo against her will. In talking to friends we realized if the state didn’t step in and force her to do it then her non-consenting parent could sue the hospital and/or state for not protecting his minor, almost adult daughter. In a few years if the girl is suffering trauma from being forced into surgery and challenging medical treatments she could probably sue the state for her emotional trauma. So essentially no one wants the consequences and will do what they can to shift the consequences to someone else.

It is important we are personally responsible for our actions and our consequences. Not to be too political, but this is all some of the reason I support more libertarian ideals in politics. I’d rather make my own choices and deal with the natural consequences than to shift my consequences around. That plan doesn’t work so well for any of us, because eventually we’ll all get screwed from someone else’s choice.

Us vs Them

Lately I’ve been hearing lots about women’s rights and their place in male dominated organizations. This is perhaps just because of who I am surrounded by, but I still believe it deserves a little conversation. In the last one hundred years women have seen huge advancements. We’ve received (after putting up a fight) the right to vote, we entered the work force in droves, laws were enacted to protect women from discrimination.

Legally women are equal to men and have all the same rights. Yet, we still struggle. In church organizations the clergy are mostly male. Even in my own faith the leadership is male based on the priesthood that is exclusive to men. This is not at all an issue for me. It is how God intended it. Classrooms find males favored over female students. Women are harassed in public by men. There are a lot of women, strong and important even, that feel that this inequality is unfair and wrong.

I would contend that it’s not unfair or wrong at all, but simply human nature. In any group of people we sort ourselves out as “us verse them” type groups. And both groups will claim superiority but power is rarely shared. Somehow one group absorbs all power and then uses it to keep down the other group that claims their value in existence. Some brief examples. The Egyptians and The Jews. Well, I saw Exodus and I’ve read the book. It didn’t go so well for the Jews for many centuries. They were enslaved. Fast forward many more centuries and black Africans became this other group that was free for the kidnapping. They were also enslaved until the nations got their senses together and stopped being dingbats. Then in the middle of the 20^th century we had Hitler and he decided he didn’t like the Jews. (Seriously, that’s a tortured group of people. At least they’ve got God on their side.) Although not enslaved, they were just murdered in large batches. If they were lucky they just got put to work and were tortured. And throughout all of this women have been seen as less than men, while men have maintained power.

In the last century though we have become an enlightened people. We are bucking the trends and patterns of our ancestors so that we can do and be better. Still nothing is going to change over night. We have to continue to work towards improvement. No one is going to give women the power they’re fighting for. They have to stand up and take it back. The power that we seek is within us. Men are not required to pull it out of us or wait around for it to come out. That’s not in their nature. So, if we want our place in existence we have to make it. We have to stand up for ourselves and just be the powerful group we know we can be. And hopefully with this new enlightenment we don’t have to prove our superiority but can simply live in peace with men.

Sadness of 2015

There is a lot going on in my head. So I apologize if this seems jumbled, but I’ll do my best. This year I turn 30. I don’t feel like I’m that old. I honestly never knew that 2015 would happen. It’s always seemed so far off. Like it was a year for the movies and not reality. I was married in 2005 so this year I’ll have been married ten years as well. It’s been a very adventurous ten years. During this time we’ve lived in Los Angeles for five years and spent many days at Disneyland. It’s my happy place. We’ve moved all of our belongings both ways in just our cars. Slept on air mattresses and collected lots of free furniture. Finally we’re starting to buy some of our own things that we like. Also during that time we’ve tried to start a family. It’s been about 9 years now, but with no such luck.

Most days I’m grateful for my sleep and control over my own body. Plus I don’t have to touch anyone else’s poop. However, never in my life did I think I’d reach 30 childless. I guess I knew there was a possibility that a woman might not be able to conceive, but I never thought it would happen to me. Not that something happened, but really is just part of my existence. We don’t know why. I’ve had some initial testing done and everything is fine. Same with my dear husband. As I like to say, “His good swimmers have clear lanes to swim in.” Yet, it’s not working. Our next step would be to go to a fertility specialist, but that’s expensive and a bit invasive as a woman. We’ll get there eventually, but I’m going to try getting more fit in the mean time.

I remember thinking as a teenage girl how grateful I was for my periods. Seriously, with the cramps, mess and all I would pray in gratitude for my periods because it meant to me that one day I would be able to have children. So seriously, that is probably the greatest irony of my life. If I’d only known then. Even with all of the trials and heart aches my husband and I have both always felt like we’d be able to have our own children, which is why we don’t pursue other options at this time. Plus it’s all expensive. It’s hard having this gut instinct that it will happen for us but without any idea as to when.

Often we’ve prayed and both received the same answer, “Soon.” We’ve come to realize that “Soon” means very different things to God and to us. It’s totally fine. We trust that He knows us and will bless us when the time is right. However, it’s not that time yet. So, while we prepare our lives and wait I get sad. My heart breaks and I sink in depression a few times a year. This happens to be one of those times. I’m not always depressed, but mostly I’m sad. Especially in quiet moments when I’m left with my thoughts. In time I will be fine again and relieved at the thought of being able to sleep in and not be covered in barf. One day though, that is all I want.

Crazy?!?

There is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. We women are often called crazy when we get emotional about things. In history it was even referred to hysteria, which is rooted in the Latin and Greek words for uterus. This term has now been disavowed as being only a problem for women. Anyone with or without a uterus can suffer from hysteria. Yet, women are still called crazy if they get emotional. It’s truly not fair or right.

When we tell women and especially young girls that they’re “acting crazy” or their feelings are “crazy” we communicate to them that they are acting inappropriately and that their feelings are not normal. Usually these comments come from males. The problem here is not that women are crazy, but they express themselves differently. Men have just as many emotions, but it’s not typically in their nature to talk about them. So for men to hear about them can overwhelm them. They are often simpler in how they deal with things so they don’t talk so much about them. On the other side, many women need to talk about their emotional extremes. In talking about the highs and lows women often become animated or increase in volume, which is natural but can come across as excessive. It is not but just a natural reaction.

Unless we want women to continue to be insecure and afraid of who we are we need to allow them to be themselves, emotions and all. Recently I had the experience of talking to a woman about her relationship. She had been dating a guy for a little while and on a recent date had brought his friend to the movies on their date with him. He excused it because his buddy was just in town visiting, but he’d never cleared it with her first. I told her to end it. Others started to argue that she just needed to relax and not worry. I settled on her talking to him about it and seeing where they are with things. Another male she knew chimed in and said essentially for her to not be too dramatic if she insisted on talking to him. He was taking the side of the man who had disrespected his girlfriend and basically said, “Don’t react emotionally, just let this guy do whatever.” However, I do not subscribe to such beliefs. You need to communicate while dating what your expectations are so you can build a healthy relationship if you hope to marry one day.   Well, it turned out a week later when she took him a gift for Christmas that he broke up with her. So, in the end, she was right to not trust his behavior, but he could have strung her along a lot longer if she’d never said or done anything.

We as women have the power with in ourselves to fight back against this whole idea that we’re just crazy and overwhelming emotional. We just have to stand up for ourselves. We cannot apologize for every time we have an emotional reaction. It’s who we are and it’s beautiful. If we are who we are and expect men to accept us as such then we should just be ourselves without fear or insecurity that someone won’t like us. If they don’t like us, that is truly their problem and not ours. The bible commands us to love everyone and not to be loved by everyone.

I want to make it clear that I never changed myself to attract my husband. He loved and loves me as I am. I catch him in moments where he’s trying to calm or lessen my emotions but I remind him that it’s just me and it’s okay for me to feel this way. Usually it’s just a reminder that even if I don’t express my feelings out loud they are still there. He is awesome at listening to me and trying very much to understand where I’m coming from. I’m truly blessed!

Mother's Day ... again...

So, I realized on Sunday after I kept mentioning that this upcoming Sunday was Mother's Day what that actually meant for me. In a nut shell it means nothing to me as an infertile woman. But when you unpack that little nut shell it means so much more, but mostly unhappy feelings. I think people often misunderstand my feelings about Mother's Day, my infertility and baby-oriented events. I often don't talk about it because my pain makes others uncomfortable, so here's a look inside my tough shell.

Usually people assume that I avoid baby-showers and mother's day because I'm sad I'm not a mother or that I don't have a baby. I think this drives me the most crazy. I don't really care for it because it basically breaks all my feelings into this tiny little sad package that makes it easy for people to understand without every really having to try to empathize with my emotions or understand the pains I feel.

When I was younger I was sure I'd have an easy time getting pregnant. I figured I'd be close to done with having kids by the time I was 30. Yet now I'm 29 and still childless. I'm not just sad I don't have kids yet, I'm sad I've lost my dream and expectations. I thought I'd be a stay-at-home mother making cookies for my kids after school. I thought I'd be a young mother who had energy to keep up with my children. With each year and event I'm reminded those dreams are lost to me. One day I might have those things, but not in the way I dreamed or envisioned. The expectations for my life are now dead and I have to grieve that loss each and every time I'm reminded.

As I attend church on Mother's Day they often give a little token to the mothers, but they try to include all women so no one feels left out. Yet, that just makes me sadder because I know very well that I don't belong with them. I don't have kids to talk about or the same concerns. We're in different phases of life. It's patronizing to me to be included. Some flower, book or chocolate is not going to make me feel better about my infertility. I don't want to be left out either, especially if it's chocolate, but I also don't want to be included out of the guilt of the fertile either.

One of the things I often feel saddest about is all the doting on pregnant ladies. I always saw myself being the tired pregnant lady with a cute waddle that people want to help and give belly rubs. Again, that is not my pleasure. People often seem put out that I'm not excited to go to someone's baby shower, but honestly if we're not super close I just can't get too excited about someone else's pregnancy while it causes me such anguish. I know this is pretty selfish, but it's how I feel regardless of it's flaws.

Physically I feel like I'm broken. So many women around me are able to get pregnant, yet I am not. This isn't their doing or anything people can protect me from. As a woman and daughter of God, I'm supposed to multiple and replenish the Earth. However, that is not possible for me at this time. Every time I see a pregnant woman I realize how much my body is failing me. Even when I try to do better it still doesn't work out. To compound these issues it makes me feel like a failure as a wife. My husband also wants children and he'll be the best father, but I can't give him that. I want nothing more than to see him hold our babies and chase our children around. I feel like a huge failure and disappointment, even though he doesn't feel those things.

All in all, days like Mother's Day are just hard for me. I have no problem with mothers or pregnant women. I just don't want to be surrounded by this huge reminder of what I've lost and what I struggle to attain. I know it will happen in time and how it's supposed to, but I don't know when or how that will be. It's truly a mourning process I restart each time I'm faced with these types of things. Platitudes are not much help. What would help me the most is talking to me like a real person. I'm open about my feelings if you want to know. Please don't assume you understand how I feel.




Side note: This are very honest, rough feelings. I can't be sure this is very clear or coherent. Also, not all women feel this way. So if someone you know struggles with infertility don't be afraid to ask, but also give them room to have feelings you may not know or relate to.