Choices vs. Consequences

I once read about a different perspective on the war Heaven. In Mormon theology it’s often shared that Satan’s plan was to dictate what we could do and take away our ability to choose so that we would remain perfect and return to our Heavenly Father. On the other side is the plan Christ offered up to allow us to come to earth to make choices for ourselves. He would be the redeemer to make up for the mistakes we’d make, but we’d learn. And if we so chose to live righteously we would end up with God in Heaven. This other perspective was about Satan’s plan. It was not to limit or constrain us from making choices, but to rid choice of consequences. Thus, our choices would have no significance. All choices would be okay therefore we’d never have chosen wrong or been sinful. I wish I could find the original article, but I’m not sure where it is, but that’s the gist of it.

As soon as I read it everything made sense. In the garden, the serpent got Eve to eat the fruit by telling her the consequence she believed was not true. They wouldn’t die but be as the Gods. (Genesis 3: 1-5) He didn’t force it down her throat, but convinced her the consequences weren’t really there and it would give her what she wanted. In the days of Sodom and Gomorrah they had fallen into those same patterns of belief. It was not that they were being forced to sin, but they had decided their desires were above consequence. And then when they tried to assault an angel of God it was the end of their ways. God destroyed them.

We can choose to believe there are no consequences, but that is not possible. Everything in life has a consequence, for better or worse. If we choose to do well in school we have the consequence of good grades. Depending on when we decide to leave on a trip we may make great time, get stuck in traffic or even end up in a horrific accident. Consequences are not ours for the choosing, they are natural.

In the US we live in a society that I see as trying to limit consequences in various ways. One big one is through legalizing abortion. Pregnancy is often a result (natural consequence) of having sex. But in the cases of unwanted/unplanned pregnancies we have decided as a people that the woman has the right to choose. She chose to get into bed and have sex, so did the father. However, we’re now deeming it possible to choose the consequence. It doesn’t work out that way. Further consequences are possible from that choice. In another example we have become very litigious as a people. We try to shift the blame around so that we are never held accountable for our actions. In one case recently a 17 year old girl is being forced by the courts to undergo chemo against her will. In talking to friends we realized if the state didn’t step in and force her to do it then her non-consenting parent could sue the hospital and/or state for not protecting his minor, almost adult daughter. In a few years if the girl is suffering trauma from being forced into surgery and challenging medical treatments she could probably sue the state for her emotional trauma. So essentially no one wants the consequences and will do what they can to shift the consequences to someone else.

It is important we are personally responsible for our actions and our consequences. Not to be too political, but this is all some of the reason I support more libertarian ideals in politics. I’d rather make my own choices and deal with the natural consequences than to shift my consequences around. That plan doesn’t work so well for any of us, because eventually we’ll all get screwed from someone else’s choice.

Us vs Them

Lately I’ve been hearing lots about women’s rights and their place in male dominated organizations. This is perhaps just because of who I am surrounded by, but I still believe it deserves a little conversation. In the last one hundred years women have seen huge advancements. We’ve received (after putting up a fight) the right to vote, we entered the work force in droves, laws were enacted to protect women from discrimination.

Legally women are equal to men and have all the same rights. Yet, we still struggle. In church organizations the clergy are mostly male. Even in my own faith the leadership is male based on the priesthood that is exclusive to men. This is not at all an issue for me. It is how God intended it. Classrooms find males favored over female students. Women are harassed in public by men. There are a lot of women, strong and important even, that feel that this inequality is unfair and wrong.

I would contend that it’s not unfair or wrong at all, but simply human nature. In any group of people we sort ourselves out as “us verse them” type groups. And both groups will claim superiority but power is rarely shared. Somehow one group absorbs all power and then uses it to keep down the other group that claims their value in existence. Some brief examples. The Egyptians and The Jews. Well, I saw Exodus and I’ve read the book. It didn’t go so well for the Jews for many centuries. They were enslaved. Fast forward many more centuries and black Africans became this other group that was free for the kidnapping. They were also enslaved until the nations got their senses together and stopped being dingbats. Then in the middle of the 20^th century we had Hitler and he decided he didn’t like the Jews. (Seriously, that’s a tortured group of people. At least they’ve got God on their side.) Although not enslaved, they were just murdered in large batches. If they were lucky they just got put to work and were tortured. And throughout all of this women have been seen as less than men, while men have maintained power.

In the last century though we have become an enlightened people. We are bucking the trends and patterns of our ancestors so that we can do and be better. Still nothing is going to change over night. We have to continue to work towards improvement. No one is going to give women the power they’re fighting for. They have to stand up and take it back. The power that we seek is within us. Men are not required to pull it out of us or wait around for it to come out. That’s not in their nature. So, if we want our place in existence we have to make it. We have to stand up for ourselves and just be the powerful group we know we can be. And hopefully with this new enlightenment we don’t have to prove our superiority but can simply live in peace with men.

Sadness of 2015

There is a lot going on in my head. So I apologize if this seems jumbled, but I’ll do my best. This year I turn 30. I don’t feel like I’m that old. I honestly never knew that 2015 would happen. It’s always seemed so far off. Like it was a year for the movies and not reality. I was married in 2005 so this year I’ll have been married ten years as well. It’s been a very adventurous ten years. During this time we’ve lived in Los Angeles for five years and spent many days at Disneyland. It’s my happy place. We’ve moved all of our belongings both ways in just our cars. Slept on air mattresses and collected lots of free furniture. Finally we’re starting to buy some of our own things that we like. Also during that time we’ve tried to start a family. It’s been about 9 years now, but with no such luck.

Most days I’m grateful for my sleep and control over my own body. Plus I don’t have to touch anyone else’s poop. However, never in my life did I think I’d reach 30 childless. I guess I knew there was a possibility that a woman might not be able to conceive, but I never thought it would happen to me. Not that something happened, but really is just part of my existence. We don’t know why. I’ve had some initial testing done and everything is fine. Same with my dear husband. As I like to say, “His good swimmers have clear lanes to swim in.” Yet, it’s not working. Our next step would be to go to a fertility specialist, but that’s expensive and a bit invasive as a woman. We’ll get there eventually, but I’m going to try getting more fit in the mean time.

I remember thinking as a teenage girl how grateful I was for my periods. Seriously, with the cramps, mess and all I would pray in gratitude for my periods because it meant to me that one day I would be able to have children. So seriously, that is probably the greatest irony of my life. If I’d only known then. Even with all of the trials and heart aches my husband and I have both always felt like we’d be able to have our own children, which is why we don’t pursue other options at this time. Plus it’s all expensive. It’s hard having this gut instinct that it will happen for us but without any idea as to when.

Often we’ve prayed and both received the same answer, “Soon.” We’ve come to realize that “Soon” means very different things to God and to us. It’s totally fine. We trust that He knows us and will bless us when the time is right. However, it’s not that time yet. So, while we prepare our lives and wait I get sad. My heart breaks and I sink in depression a few times a year. This happens to be one of those times. I’m not always depressed, but mostly I’m sad. Especially in quiet moments when I’m left with my thoughts. In time I will be fine again and relieved at the thought of being able to sleep in and not be covered in barf. One day though, that is all I want.

Crazy?!?

There is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. We women are often called crazy when we get emotional about things. In history it was even referred to hysteria, which is rooted in the Latin and Greek words for uterus. This term has now been disavowed as being only a problem for women. Anyone with or without a uterus can suffer from hysteria. Yet, women are still called crazy if they get emotional. It’s truly not fair or right.

When we tell women and especially young girls that they’re “acting crazy” or their feelings are “crazy” we communicate to them that they are acting inappropriately and that their feelings are not normal. Usually these comments come from males. The problem here is not that women are crazy, but they express themselves differently. Men have just as many emotions, but it’s not typically in their nature to talk about them. So for men to hear about them can overwhelm them. They are often simpler in how they deal with things so they don’t talk so much about them. On the other side, many women need to talk about their emotional extremes. In talking about the highs and lows women often become animated or increase in volume, which is natural but can come across as excessive. It is not but just a natural reaction.

Unless we want women to continue to be insecure and afraid of who we are we need to allow them to be themselves, emotions and all. Recently I had the experience of talking to a woman about her relationship. She had been dating a guy for a little while and on a recent date had brought his friend to the movies on their date with him. He excused it because his buddy was just in town visiting, but he’d never cleared it with her first. I told her to end it. Others started to argue that she just needed to relax and not worry. I settled on her talking to him about it and seeing where they are with things. Another male she knew chimed in and said essentially for her to not be too dramatic if she insisted on talking to him. He was taking the side of the man who had disrespected his girlfriend and basically said, “Don’t react emotionally, just let this guy do whatever.” However, I do not subscribe to such beliefs. You need to communicate while dating what your expectations are so you can build a healthy relationship if you hope to marry one day.   Well, it turned out a week later when she took him a gift for Christmas that he broke up with her. So, in the end, she was right to not trust his behavior, but he could have strung her along a lot longer if she’d never said or done anything.

We as women have the power with in ourselves to fight back against this whole idea that we’re just crazy and overwhelming emotional. We just have to stand up for ourselves. We cannot apologize for every time we have an emotional reaction. It’s who we are and it’s beautiful. If we are who we are and expect men to accept us as such then we should just be ourselves without fear or insecurity that someone won’t like us. If they don’t like us, that is truly their problem and not ours. The bible commands us to love everyone and not to be loved by everyone.

I want to make it clear that I never changed myself to attract my husband. He loved and loves me as I am. I catch him in moments where he’s trying to calm or lessen my emotions but I remind him that it’s just me and it’s okay for me to feel this way. Usually it’s just a reminder that even if I don’t express my feelings out loud they are still there. He is awesome at listening to me and trying very much to understand where I’m coming from. I’m truly blessed!

Mother's Day ... again...

So, I realized on Sunday after I kept mentioning that this upcoming Sunday was Mother's Day what that actually meant for me. In a nut shell it means nothing to me as an infertile woman. But when you unpack that little nut shell it means so much more, but mostly unhappy feelings. I think people often misunderstand my feelings about Mother's Day, my infertility and baby-oriented events. I often don't talk about it because my pain makes others uncomfortable, so here's a look inside my tough shell.

Usually people assume that I avoid baby-showers and mother's day because I'm sad I'm not a mother or that I don't have a baby. I think this drives me the most crazy. I don't really care for it because it basically breaks all my feelings into this tiny little sad package that makes it easy for people to understand without every really having to try to empathize with my emotions or understand the pains I feel.

When I was younger I was sure I'd have an easy time getting pregnant. I figured I'd be close to done with having kids by the time I was 30. Yet now I'm 29 and still childless. I'm not just sad I don't have kids yet, I'm sad I've lost my dream and expectations. I thought I'd be a stay-at-home mother making cookies for my kids after school. I thought I'd be a young mother who had energy to keep up with my children. With each year and event I'm reminded those dreams are lost to me. One day I might have those things, but not in the way I dreamed or envisioned. The expectations for my life are now dead and I have to grieve that loss each and every time I'm reminded.

As I attend church on Mother's Day they often give a little token to the mothers, but they try to include all women so no one feels left out. Yet, that just makes me sadder because I know very well that I don't belong with them. I don't have kids to talk about or the same concerns. We're in different phases of life. It's patronizing to me to be included. Some flower, book or chocolate is not going to make me feel better about my infertility. I don't want to be left out either, especially if it's chocolate, but I also don't want to be included out of the guilt of the fertile either.

One of the things I often feel saddest about is all the doting on pregnant ladies. I always saw myself being the tired pregnant lady with a cute waddle that people want to help and give belly rubs. Again, that is not my pleasure. People often seem put out that I'm not excited to go to someone's baby shower, but honestly if we're not super close I just can't get too excited about someone else's pregnancy while it causes me such anguish. I know this is pretty selfish, but it's how I feel regardless of it's flaws.

Physically I feel like I'm broken. So many women around me are able to get pregnant, yet I am not. This isn't their doing or anything people can protect me from. As a woman and daughter of God, I'm supposed to multiple and replenish the Earth. However, that is not possible for me at this time. Every time I see a pregnant woman I realize how much my body is failing me. Even when I try to do better it still doesn't work out. To compound these issues it makes me feel like a failure as a wife. My husband also wants children and he'll be the best father, but I can't give him that. I want nothing more than to see him hold our babies and chase our children around. I feel like a huge failure and disappointment, even though he doesn't feel those things.

All in all, days like Mother's Day are just hard for me. I have no problem with mothers or pregnant women. I just don't want to be surrounded by this huge reminder of what I've lost and what I struggle to attain. I know it will happen in time and how it's supposed to, but I don't know when or how that will be. It's truly a mourning process I restart each time I'm faced with these types of things. Platitudes are not much help. What would help me the most is talking to me like a real person. I'm open about my feelings if you want to know. Please don't assume you understand how I feel.




Side note: This are very honest, rough feelings. I can't be sure this is very clear or coherent. Also, not all women feel this way. So if someone you know struggles with infertility don't be afraid to ask, but also give them room to have feelings you may not know or relate to.

Chicken Parm Taste without the Breading

Recently in my attempt to lose weight I've decided to go low carb, at least low on the empty carbs. I still eat plenty of fruits, vegetables and beans. So don't worry, I'm eating plenty of carbs, just in naturally occuring foods and items with lots of natural fiber. So, in an attempt to create something I came up with this yummy chicken bake. This probably isn't new, but I liked it. 

Ingredients (Serves 4)

• 4 Boneless, skinless Chicken Pieces 
• 1.5 - 2 cups tomato pasta sauce
• 4 Tbsps of Freshly shredded Parmesan Cheese
• 1 Cup Shredded Mozzarella Cheese
• 1 Tbsp. Butter

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. 
2. Cut the butter in half and place in the bottom of an oven safe pan.
3. Place the four chicken pieces in the pan, spread evenly and flat.   
4. Evenly spread the pasta sauce over the chicken.    
5. Sprinkle the Parmesan Cheese over chicken evenly.
6. Baked for approximately 1 hour, or until done. 
7. Once cooked through sprinkle the Mozzarella over the dot chicken and let the cheese melt.
8.  Serve with salad, steamed vegetables or a small portion of pasta noodles to continue with the low carb meal.    

 So, super easy and super yummy. Not hard at all. Enjoy!   

Salsa con Queso

We love a good Salsa con Queso at our house. Nothing like some corn chips and a nice warm cheese sauce. Being allergic to soy and sensitive to gluten has meant no more buying that when we go out and can't find one in a jar that works for us. So, by inspiration from an old friend I came up with a new recipe. Basically it was her idea and I just have measurements. Here is how I did it.

INGREDIENTS:

• 3-4 ounces of plain cream cheese
• 3 Tbps butter
• 4 ounces of shredded cheddar cheese
• 4 or more table spoons of medium salsa

DIRECTIONS

1.  Put butter and cream cheese in a microwave safe bowl with lid (to prevent microwave splatter). 
2. Melt down in the microwave at 30 second intervals stirring it up between each 30 seconds.
3. Shouldn't take more than 1:30 to melt down.
4. Now that it's melted mix in the shredded cheese. You can microwave for another 30 seconds if the cheese doesn't melt completely.
5. Stir in your salsa. 
6. Serve with corn chips. 
7. Store any unused portion in the fridge and reheat for later use.