Mother's Day ... again...

So, I realized on Sunday after I kept mentioning that this upcoming Sunday was Mother's Day what that actually meant for me. In a nut shell it means nothing to me as an infertile woman. But when you unpack that little nut shell it means so much more, but mostly unhappy feelings. I think people often misunderstand my feelings about Mother's Day, my infertility and baby-oriented events. I often don't talk about it because my pain makes others uncomfortable, so here's a look inside my tough shell.

Usually people assume that I avoid baby-showers and mother's day because I'm sad I'm not a mother or that I don't have a baby. I think this drives me the most crazy. I don't really care for it because it basically breaks all my feelings into this tiny little sad package that makes it easy for people to understand without every really having to try to empathize with my emotions or understand the pains I feel.

When I was younger I was sure I'd have an easy time getting pregnant. I figured I'd be close to done with having kids by the time I was 30. Yet now I'm 29 and still childless. I'm not just sad I don't have kids yet, I'm sad I've lost my dream and expectations. I thought I'd be a stay-at-home mother making cookies for my kids after school. I thought I'd be a young mother who had energy to keep up with my children. With each year and event I'm reminded those dreams are lost to me. One day I might have those things, but not in the way I dreamed or envisioned. The expectations for my life are now dead and I have to grieve that loss each and every time I'm reminded.

As I attend church on Mother's Day they often give a little token to the mothers, but they try to include all women so no one feels left out. Yet, that just makes me sadder because I know very well that I don't belong with them. I don't have kids to talk about or the same concerns. We're in different phases of life. It's patronizing to me to be included. Some flower, book or chocolate is not going to make me feel better about my infertility. I don't want to be left out either, especially if it's chocolate, but I also don't want to be included out of the guilt of the fertile either.

One of the things I often feel saddest about is all the doting on pregnant ladies. I always saw myself being the tired pregnant lady with a cute waddle that people want to help and give belly rubs. Again, that is not my pleasure. People often seem put out that I'm not excited to go to someone's baby shower, but honestly if we're not super close I just can't get too excited about someone else's pregnancy while it causes me such anguish. I know this is pretty selfish, but it's how I feel regardless of it's flaws.

Physically I feel like I'm broken. So many women around me are able to get pregnant, yet I am not. This isn't their doing or anything people can protect me from. As a woman and daughter of God, I'm supposed to multiple and replenish the Earth. However, that is not possible for me at this time. Every time I see a pregnant woman I realize how much my body is failing me. Even when I try to do better it still doesn't work out. To compound these issues it makes me feel like a failure as a wife. My husband also wants children and he'll be the best father, but I can't give him that. I want nothing more than to see him hold our babies and chase our children around. I feel like a huge failure and disappointment, even though he doesn't feel those things.

All in all, days like Mother's Day are just hard for me. I have no problem with mothers or pregnant women. I just don't want to be surrounded by this huge reminder of what I've lost and what I struggle to attain. I know it will happen in time and how it's supposed to, but I don't know when or how that will be. It's truly a mourning process I restart each time I'm faced with these types of things. Platitudes are not much help. What would help me the most is talking to me like a real person. I'm open about my feelings if you want to know. Please don't assume you understand how I feel.




Side note: This are very honest, rough feelings. I can't be sure this is very clear or coherent. Also, not all women feel this way. So if someone you know struggles with infertility don't be afraid to ask, but also give them room to have feelings you may not know or relate to.